Today I was on my lunch break, waiting in traffic, when I look over to my right and there is a massive spider dangling from the ceiling of my car.
Green light...shit, stay calm. So I swatted at him, and he fell in between my legs...and I was wearing a skirt! So now I am seriously freaking out. I pulled on to one of the streets right off Sunshine, and I began the oh-so-tribal spider dance....that is, jump up and down, flap my arms, scream, run around in circles and smack myself. If I had not been on one of the busiest streets in Springfield I would have ripped all my clothes off too.
Now I feel like an idiot. I mean I feel really stupid. No joke, people were laughing and pointing at me.
I get back to work, I'm sitting at my desk, and I grab my purse to get my lip gloss. That little bastard is swinging from the bottom of my bag! I scream bloody murder(again), did the spider dance (again), and threw my purse against the wall.
No one else was in the office this afternoon. It was just the spider and I...mono e mono. I was wearing some pretty serious heels and feared that if I threw one I might knock a whole in the wall. So I reached for the air freshener. I put my game face on, picked up my mangled purse and waited for my nemesis to emerge.
When I saw his little hairy ass run for the corner I started squirting him and eventually febreezed him to death.
You got served biiiaaatch!
Friday, August 18, 2006
Thursday, August 17, 2006
I love baseball player butts!
First and foremost...out of all the professional sports...baseball players have the best butts. Maybe it's the pants, but I love to look at their bottoms.
Baseball has the best food. It's a six course meal really...Beer- $5. Hot Dog- $4. Nachos with the works-$6. Beer-$5. Peanuts-$3.50. Ice Cream-$5. Getting to sleep next to the person who is digesting all of this crap.....priceless.
Where else can you watch a milkshake drinking contest? ( actually it was pretty gross, and I almost threw up for the poor contestants).
I'm not that impressed, but the boys really seem to enjoy the under age Cardinal-et's that throw stuff at people. Guys are sick.
The take me out to the ball game song, classic. My father had me listening to this when I was a fetus.
Dodging the foul balls hit into the stands is fun too. If you are going to loose any of your teeth...this would definitely be the way to go.
Baseball has the best food. It's a six course meal really...Beer- $5. Hot Dog- $4. Nachos with the works-$6. Beer-$5. Peanuts-$3.50. Ice Cream-$5. Getting to sleep next to the person who is digesting all of this crap.....priceless.
Where else can you watch a milkshake drinking contest? ( actually it was pretty gross, and I almost threw up for the poor contestants).
I'm not that impressed, but the boys really seem to enjoy the under age Cardinal-et's that throw stuff at people. Guys are sick.
The take me out to the ball game song, classic. My father had me listening to this when I was a fetus.
Dodging the foul balls hit into the stands is fun too. If you are going to loose any of your teeth...this would definitely be the way to go.
Saturday, August 5, 2006
Stop calling your arms guns
Top 10 peeves about going to the gym:
10. The women who wear make-up to work-out
9. The thirteen year old girls that wear make-up to "work-out" . I was unaware that dressing like a little tramp and flirting in the weight room burned all that many calories.
8. The nasty guys that flirt with the thirteen year old girls.
7. The guys that grunt like they are pooping and scream when they lift weights. Don't spit in the water fountain, should there have to be a sign? And where did his neck go anyway?
6. Small talk in the gym. I am covered in sweat, we are not really friends, and no, I don't feel like chatting.
5. The people who swim like evil sharks around the treadmills to grab the first one that opens up. Run outside! I'm pretty sure it's not snowing.
4. The fact that when I jump in the swimming pool, my hair immediately turns green and starts to fall out, and I get the sensation that I am being burned alive by chlorine.
3. The employees in the weight room that sit around eating egg-whites and spoonfuls of augmented protein supplements. Seriously, there is a sandwich shop around the corner...go eat lunch.
2. The cycling class ladies that spend more time picking out what to wear to the gym than working out.
1. The people that look at themselves every time they pass a reflective surface. Do I still look the same? Yep...What about now?...No, still haven't changed. Or the damn-I'm-sexy mirror lookers...those are the worst.
10. The women who wear make-up to work-out
9. The thirteen year old girls that wear make-up to "work-out" . I was unaware that dressing like a little tramp and flirting in the weight room burned all that many calories.
8. The nasty guys that flirt with the thirteen year old girls.
7. The guys that grunt like they are pooping and scream when they lift weights. Don't spit in the water fountain, should there have to be a sign? And where did his neck go anyway?
6. Small talk in the gym. I am covered in sweat, we are not really friends, and no, I don't feel like chatting.
5. The people who swim like evil sharks around the treadmills to grab the first one that opens up. Run outside! I'm pretty sure it's not snowing.
4. The fact that when I jump in the swimming pool, my hair immediately turns green and starts to fall out, and I get the sensation that I am being burned alive by chlorine.
3. The employees in the weight room that sit around eating egg-whites and spoonfuls of augmented protein supplements. Seriously, there is a sandwich shop around the corner...go eat lunch.
2. The cycling class ladies that spend more time picking out what to wear to the gym than working out.
1. The people that look at themselves every time they pass a reflective surface. Do I still look the same? Yep...What about now?...No, still haven't changed. Or the damn-I'm-sexy mirror lookers...those are the worst.
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