Padgett Family X-Mas
My family celebrates on Christmas Eve. The festivities include a listening to Manhiem Steamroller, plenty of alcohol, and this puppy chow snack mix that is absolutely addictive. We open presents…usually my dad makes at least two or three comments that lead me to question whether or not he did too many drugs in the 60's and Ali blatantly informs us that she will be exchanging 85 percent of her gifts.
Let's not forget the awkward glances between the boyfriends/husbands and my father when my sister's and I pull out our "Christmas Underwear" from Victoria's Secret out of our Christmas stockings. Santa has been giving us lingerie for about ten years now.
My mother and my younger sister's are highly skilled present wrappers….I on the other hand got the short end of the stick in this area. You can always tell the present is from Amy if it is a) shoved in a bag that says "Happy Birthday" or b) If the gift looks like Taylor (my 2 year old niece) wrapped it.
Christmas day we return to the Padgett Family household to enjoy a fancy steak dinner. For some reason we begin dinner by opening these little exploding presents that contain a lame joke and a colored paper crown (you would have to see it to understand)….
Dinner conversation usually includes a few wildly inappropriate topics…we normally try to stick to drugs, sex and bowel movements.
We don't try to be perfect and we have a damn good time doing it.
This year we ended our family Christmas watching the critically acclaimed "Padgett Family Video" . (now available on DVD)…Masterfully edited by dad and put to the Dirty Dancing Motion Picture soundtrack. The video is a rare glimpse of what life was like growing up as a Padgett…with scenes like: "Debbie breaks her tail bone at Abby's Skate Land birthday party", "Parents drink beer and children run around wearing trash bags on rainy camping trip" and "Curt shows no mercy to his eight and nine year old daughters on the soccer field"
The last few years we have had at least one non-family/non-boyfriend guest join us for these celebrations…this year it was Justin…bless him…and please don't judge me by my nine year old rendition of Gloria Eseffan. And I had to read a lot of books to get those Pizza Hut sunglasses!
I feel there is only one phrase that can sum up our glorious Padgett Family festivities…as my father so eloquently put it back in 1989:
"It smells like throw-up in here"….Translation: When is dinner ready?
"Gee thanks Curt"….Translation: If you do not get that camera out of my face you will be wearing your dinner tonight…
I Love My Family!
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Dance party USA by myself featuring myself
Dance Party USA By Myself Featuring Myself Current mood: happy
Christmas shopping really stresses me out.
Who are these people? Where did they come from? Why do they not know how to drive? Why on Earth do they walk so slowly? Call me an aggressive shopper, whatever.
So tonight when I got home I was needless to say a little stressed out and in a kind of shitty mood. What is the best cure for a shitty mood?..........How about Dance Party U.S.A. 2006 starring myself!!!
I cranked up my very special play list appropriately named "Vagina Rock" and put on my dancing gear…which is not a whole lot.
I almost forgot how much I loved gyrating around the house and singing at the top of my lungs into a bottle of olive oil, a candle, or the remote control. I started out with a little Anna Nalick and ended up old school with 2 pac…Shorty Gonna Be A Thug!!! Somewhere in between I performed Phantom, Rent and of course Ms. Britney Spears!!! I even brought out the tap shoes…ahhhhw shit.
Damn! I feel so, so much better…I haven't really sang in a long time and I actually do still have a voice hidden under all of my garbage. Okay I rap like a little white girl but I can sing.
I'm not a shrink but if you are bored or in a shitty mood…dance around the house and pretend that you are a rock star. It also helps to close the blinds so the neighbors don't witness your super stardom.
Christmas shopping really stresses me out.
Who are these people? Where did they come from? Why do they not know how to drive? Why on Earth do they walk so slowly? Call me an aggressive shopper, whatever.
So tonight when I got home I was needless to say a little stressed out and in a kind of shitty mood. What is the best cure for a shitty mood?..........How about Dance Party U.S.A. 2006 starring myself!!!
I cranked up my very special play list appropriately named "Vagina Rock" and put on my dancing gear…which is not a whole lot.
I almost forgot how much I loved gyrating around the house and singing at the top of my lungs into a bottle of olive oil, a candle, or the remote control. I started out with a little Anna Nalick and ended up old school with 2 pac…Shorty Gonna Be A Thug!!! Somewhere in between I performed Phantom, Rent and of course Ms. Britney Spears!!! I even brought out the tap shoes…ahhhhw shit.
Damn! I feel so, so much better…I haven't really sang in a long time and I actually do still have a voice hidden under all of my garbage. Okay I rap like a little white girl but I can sing.
I'm not a shrink but if you are bored or in a shitty mood…dance around the house and pretend that you are a rock star. It also helps to close the blinds so the neighbors don't witness your super stardom.
Saturday, December 2, 2006
Subcontractor Poo
One of our sub-contractors agreed to come to the office and install a fan in the office bathroom…sounds simple enough right?
Well, I don't want to name any names or dog on anyone too badly, but this guy kind of reminded me of Andre The Giant. Andre and his little buddy with a tool box arrived at the office. I showed them to the bathroom and they got to work.
About thirty minutes later they are all done, the little guy with the toolbox starts hauling all their gear out to their vehicle. Andre is still in the bathroom.
A few minutes later he hands me the bill…$280.00!!! To install a fan, come on now. After they leave I go back to inspect the fan, I figure this thing had better be some kind of space-age clap-on, clap-off super fan for $280.00.
No, are you kidding me? Yes he did! Andre The Giant took a poop in the bathroom before he left and it smelled of dead rodents and moldy cheese! He tried to light some matches to cover up the smell, but he would have needed a fan powered by jet fuel and like five boxes of matches.
I don't care who you are, but you don't walk into someone's office and poop in their bathroom, especially on a job call. Does the plumber fix the toilet and then take a big deuce?
Note to everyone: Things not to do one the job: Overcharge, then leave a turd.
Well, I don't want to name any names or dog on anyone too badly, but this guy kind of reminded me of Andre The Giant. Andre and his little buddy with a tool box arrived at the office. I showed them to the bathroom and they got to work.
About thirty minutes later they are all done, the little guy with the toolbox starts hauling all their gear out to their vehicle. Andre is still in the bathroom.
A few minutes later he hands me the bill…$280.00!!! To install a fan, come on now. After they leave I go back to inspect the fan, I figure this thing had better be some kind of space-age clap-on, clap-off super fan for $280.00.
No, are you kidding me? Yes he did! Andre The Giant took a poop in the bathroom before he left and it smelled of dead rodents and moldy cheese! He tried to light some matches to cover up the smell, but he would have needed a fan powered by jet fuel and like five boxes of matches.
I don't care who you are, but you don't walk into someone's office and poop in their bathroom, especially on a job call. Does the plumber fix the toilet and then take a big deuce?
Note to everyone: Things not to do one the job: Overcharge, then leave a turd.
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