What's on Your Rearview?

As I was driving around the city of Springfield,MO I found myself examining the various objects people had hanging from their rearview mirrors. I had a thought: I can almost guess what type of person the driver is just by looking at their rearview mirror accessories. HMMMMM...

THINGS I'VE SEEN SO FAR:

Fluffy dice and driver is girl- I am fun and energetic

Fluffy dice and the driver is a guy- I am fun, energetic and my girlfriend only exists in my imagination.

Fairies, dragons, mermaids, wizards, - I have or wish I had magical powers. If my telekinetic skills were stronger I wouldn't have to be driving this car right now. I also believe in unicorns.

Radar detection device- I speed and I am clever.

Stuffed Animals- I have serious issues. Thankfully I have my purple elephant on my rearview mirror and army of Beanie Babies in the back window to give me the emotional security I need to leave the house every day.

Yankee Candle air fresheners- I am stinky, yet sophisticated. Thanks to my excellent investment in odor eliminating paraphernalia my car smells of Midsummer's Night or Lilac Blossoms.

Gas Station Air Freshener (little trees, NASCAR ornaments, little pineapples, etc.) – I am stinky, my car is stinky, and I am a cheap-ass.

High school Graduation Tassel- I graduated from high school

High school graduation tassel from 1997- I graduated, but in the last ten years have not done anything of significance with my life and I probably live in a van down by the river.

"Yield" the woman said, "IT'S A YIELD SIGN SIR!"

For a long time I thought it was just standard for everyone to replace their license (the actual I.D. card) at least once a year. Apparently this is not so. Today when I entered the DMV, I was greeted with, "Back again?" It's never good when the employees at the Department of Motor Vehicles recognize you and call you by name. This time I'm pretty sure my I.D. is somewhere within a one mile radius of the intersection at Sunshine and Campbell but I'm not about to go looking for it.

Back to my story…At the DMV, I take my paper number and I go sit down in a sea of other, much lower, paper numbers.In an attempt to relieve my boredom and block out the smell of the man next to me I started watching the people. An older man, 85 maybe 90, was renewing his driver's license. The woman behind the counter asked him to look into the little box (we all know the drill) and identify various street signs.

The man VERY slowly stepped up to the counter, wiped his coke-bottle glasses and peered into the DMV custom view finder. I heard the man say loudly, as someone who is hard of hearing would, "I don't know, turn around, turn the other way, go around!"

I was thinking to myself, "U-Turn old guy, U-turn!"

The woman behind the DMV counter scowled and said, "Let's try another one." This time the man looked into the little sign-identifier-machine and yelled, "I, hmmm….I get off!!!....another road!, there is another road ahead!!!"

Now I was like, "Good god, what kind of signs are they giving this man?"

By this point the smelly man next to me and everyone else who was not deaf or enthralled in text messaging were looking at each other and desperately trying not to laugh.

"YIELD", the woman said, "SIR, IT'S A YIELD SIGN!, ya know...to oncoming traffic?" In response, the man said something about how he has been driving since cars were built, and how he shouldn't have to deal with our computers.

After a number of other flat out wrong identifications of our U.S. road signs the old man had his picture taken and is now able to legally drive.

In a line of 15 plus people the last thing anyone normally wants to see ahead of them is a slower, elderly person (most often paying with a check) taking up time, but in this case this old man made my day. I truly believe he had a point.....although I am a little frightened that he is out there driving around.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I have been trying to answer this question now for about the last 26 years. I’m not like one of those people that wanted to be a doctor as a kid and then became a doctor as an adult. When I was 8 I wanted to either hunt dinosaurs or become a rock star and learn how to fly. Much to my disappointment dinosaurs are extinct, I’m still not a rock star and I have finally excepted the fact that I can run as much as I want, as fast as I can and my ass is never going to take flight.

I wonder at what point is it that people stop dreaming about becoming great adventurers and movie stars and settle for things like "guy that drives a delivery van" or "girl in cubicle number 7".

I will be graduating in 294 days and then what do I do?

I heard somewhere that, "Life is what happens when you are making other plans". When I think about people I don’t define them by what they do but rather by who they are. Maybe instead of dreaming about having this phenomenal occupation for now I can just work on becoming a phenomenal person.

Fun on Craigslist

I don't know if anyone else knows about this or not but Craigslist is phenomenal. It is this World wide classified ad website. Some genius came up with this idea…probably some guy named Craig.

So good old Springfield, MO has its own section and I am on there everyday looking at people's stuff they are selling, jobs, real estate….everything. I have almost sold a house using the free advertising section twice...too bad the people didn't actually buy the house and too bad there was a python hiding inside the stove (refer to previous blog).

I have found a few ads that are just funny as hell so I thought I would share them with everyone.

This was posted under the Ride Share section:

Young punk couple offering a ride to California on our short bus:

"We're two travelers currently riding in a very short shortbus converted to run on waste vegetable oil. We're interested in radical politics, music-making, vegan/freeganism, and making trash as large a part of our diet as we possibly can. If you've been stuck in Springfield a while, let this be your ticket out! Our dates are flexible depending on how desperately you need to get out, but it looks like we'd like to roll out May 10-ish. If you like folk punk, jewelry making, roving like gypsies, dumpster doughnuts, etc. drop us a line. And if you don't, still drop us a line and we'll see if you can be persuaded."

Hmmm…..Alright "young punk couple" good luck with that and I would love to know how it turns out and I really would love to take a ride in your short bus.

I found this next ad under the sporting goods section:

Life-size African Lioness - $9000

"I have a life-size African Lioness mount. This beautiful animal received 3rd place at Missouri and Kansas Taxidermy Association Competitions.
She is in the stalking position with an authentic looking habitat on an oak base.
The perfect piece of wildlife art for your trophy room. Very few people would have one of these. Quite a conversation piece."

I can just see someone walking into my tiny ass apartment and right there in the middle of the living room is my glorious life-size African Lioness mount in 'stalking position'. I could tell my guests, "There is our new TV and this is my African Lioness, Bessie"

I found this one in the missed connections section:

"I MET YOU IN MY R.V."

You people should really read this stuff!!!

Just ignore that snake...

I've been remodeling this house for the last few months. I finally found an interested and qualified buyer which made me very excited.

I am at the house waiting to show it to the potential buyers and I hear this "ssssssss" sound. At first I thought it was my imagination. Nope, there it is again. It's coming from the brand new stove that has never been used. Weird.

I move closer to inspect the hissing stove and a freakn' snakes head pops out!!!

Now I don't have anything against snakes but I am pretty sure these people who will be here any second to look at the house don't want to see this big black snake camping out in the kitchen.

The snake slithers back inside the stove. Potential buyers enter the house. Potential buyers walk around the house and ask questions for over an hour.

The wife at one point stands by the stove, looking at the counter tops. I am praying to baby jesus and everything holy that this fat black snack doesn't jump out at her. In the world of realty this would be a potential "deal breaker"

The buyers finally left the house. Never saw the snake. I locked the door. And as of right now the snake is just chilling inside. Probably going to have to do something about that.

What are the odds?

Mi Casa

So we are finally all moved into the new place and I really, really like it!!!

The Mexican restaurant has proven to be a great convenience!!! Free chips, cheap beer and it is literally right behind us! There was that unfortunate incident earlier this week when Johnny spent 42 hours on the toilet, but I'm convinced that had something to do with the meat. The chips and salsa are safe.

Everything has unraveled opposite of worst-case-scenario (which might be a first for me). The neighbors are nice, a very spicy love affair might be in the making between Crux and the chocolate lab that lives next door. I am pleased to have a door bell that finally works and as long as we don't turn on the microwave and vacuum at the same time there are no problems what so ever!

I am going to go ahead and retract the statement I made earlier about moving into the ghetto. Let's not kid ourselves…Springfield Missouri does not have a ghetto. I probably wouldn't walk down Commercial Street, late at night, with a large amount of money, in a dark alley, dressed like a tramp, wearing a sign that says, "I am carrying a large amount of money"…but even then I doubt if anything would happen. And FYI, I live no where near Commercial St.

I am also enjoying the larger bathroom and kitchen situation this place has going on. Johnny and I can both fit in the bathroom without being on top of each other…unless of course we want to be on top of each other. Ha ha ha. And I can do a cartwheel in the kitchen!

In the long run I really think finding a nice yet very inexpensive place to live and saving money is the way to go. As Mr. Dave Ramsey says, "Live like no one else, so later you can live like no one else!"

Crazy People at 6am and is this over yet?

I woke up at 4:00 am on a Saturday for probably the third time in my life to prepare for the big moving garage sale. The sun was not up and I had these crazy people swarming around my old stuff strewn across the front lawn.

Almost everything was GONE by noon. I had one lady knock on my door at 2pm just to see if I had anything left, apparently she missed the SOLD OUT sign I taped to the garage door.

Part of me thinks that aliens beam themselves down to earth on the weekends; they take on human form and collect all of our junk to study us. I had a "man" give me $1.00 for an old compass that might as well have come out of a cereal box.

Finally all of my stuff is gone! Now comes the fun MOVING part.

Most people label their boxes "Fragile". I use more descriptive words like, "If you break this you will sleep on the couch tonight" or " Honey just throw this stuff away we don't need to take it with us".

The poor dog is so confused. He just keeps pacing the house wondering what's going on and why I removed his favorite play toys from the backyard (An old Doc Martin Boot and the broom).

Is this over yet?

What's the other 90% for?

I guess it all started when I was just a kid and made that quigi board. I used to turn off all of the lights in my closet, light candles and shut the door. I would ask the thin air questions and wait for that little triangle to magically float across the board…usually procuring answers such as FGKJD or GSBLW….thanks for all your insight quigi board!

Fresh out of my eleven years of Catholic schooling I became curious about Tarot cards…which the church pretty much frowns upon…I would take them on camping trips, over to parties, and there was the one instance where Kiley and I set my coffee table on fire (the first time) . I actually gave incredibly accurate readings 9 times out of 10.

Lately I have been reading up about auras….apparently we all have them and they are easy for a trained eye to identify. A couple of nights ago I tried to put my very un-honed skills to the test and had Johnny stand against a white wall and shined a flashlight above his bald head to try and see his aura…I swear I have a life….Well I did everything I was supposed to do, deep breaths, relax, and I didn't see shit. Better luck next time.

I promise I am not stoned at the moment…gave that stuff up a long time ago…but I find it amazing that doctors and scientists have only been able to identify 10% of what the human brain is used for. What is the other 90% supposed to do? So I can not totally dismiss the notion that maybe there are forces in the universe and resources that most people have just not tapped into.

Deja Vu...????

Top 10 Signs Your Man Might Be Addicted to World of War Craft

1. You no longer have to make dinner because he no longer eats anything that cannot be consumed in front of his computer with one hand.

2. Your new pet name is Ayrmrishrya

3. Instead of sex he fantasizes about building up his character and selling him on E-bay.

4. Going out on dates just took a back seat to the oh so exciting sit-on-the-couch-and -watch-werewolf-man-club-bad-guys.

5. He spends an inordinate amount of time talking on-line with someone named Bighjeudycjsk about special powers.

6. His new light up key board with ten billion special functions and settings designed for "gaming" gets more action than you do.

7. He insists on being called "The Chosen One"

8. You pretend to act very enthralled about the notion that one day your man's character could fly… that is, after he gets a mount but apparently he can't get a mount until level 40...and then he can fly at level 70…but he can't get to level 70 yet because he has to purchase some sort of expansion package….why god? Why?

9. When you are home together you're only allowed to use the internet to check the weather and you are only allowed to check the weather if there is a huge funnel cloud within a 2-3 mile radius of your home.

10. You start a support group for other women whose lives have been ravished by W.O.W. and ultimately decide to build your own character so the two of you can continue your relationship in cyber space.

When the lights go out...

In case anyone has been in a cave for the last week (which might have been a good idea) Over 75,000 people in the city of Springfield lost their power due to an ice storm and to date 13,500 still have no power, this number does not take into account the thousands outside the city limits. So needless to say it has been an interesting 8 days.

Day 1. Generous friends with a working fireplace + Beer + Charades + Fried imitation crab meat and cheese = great fun.

Day 2. Now it was pretty cold. I curled up under the covers most of the afternoon reading a book…That is until the largest tree in our back yard snapped in half under the weight of the ice and came crashing through the deck, demolishing the patio furniture, landing just shy of our bedroom door. We decide to leave the house and go hang out at Wal-Mart, one of the only places with power.

Day 3. I looked over at Johnny, using the last of our daylight…he was staring at the lifeless television set, secretly offering favors and bargaining with Allah, Buddha, Baby Jesus and all of the other divine forces of the universe in exchange for electricity. Later that night we get tired of playing the "Name Game" and got out the oil pastels and a blank canvas. Half-blind finger painting is fun!

Day 4. The thermostat in the house read 12 degrees. We decided to check into the only hotel in Springfield with vacancies. I walked into the room and was punched in the stomach by a brick wall of stale smoke. After noticing the suspicious dark stains on the walls and taking one glace into the dirty hell hole that posed as a bathroom we immediately checked out.

Day 5. I went to Panera Bread early to get warm and charge my phone and to get out of the cold house that now smells like dirty feet. I was tired of sleeping with three pairs of pants on and a LED light strapped to my forehead. I decided that hell just may be freezing over and I called my mom and asked her if we could stay at her house.

Day 6. I went home to check on the dog. He was clearly very confused about what was going on…but he seemed to be enjoying his new jungle gym of broken tree parts that we used to call our back yard. I'm sort of pissed at the people down the street that TURNED THEIR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ON. ASSHOLES!

Day 7. Johnny is heaven. He is now able to flip through all of the channels he wants to one the big screen in the basement. I am very thankful that I have a warm place to go. I tried to think of every excuse as to why I could not go see this foreign film Johnny wants to see called Spam's Maze or Puzzle or something like that. We end up spending Saturday night with my parents watching the first one-third of what my Dad considers the best mini series ever made---Lonesome Dove--- I'm still not convinced.

Day 8. Hmmm…still no power. I'm really enjoying spending all of this time with my youngest sis, Ali and my little niece Taylor. Taylor has now informed me that sitting too close to the fire place is DANGEROUS! and apparently I am not supposed to change her diaper while she is standing up….

Pretty excited to go back to work, we finally have power in the office. I give MAD PROPS to everyone who works at CU, all of the tree people, volunteers, good friends and family. This sucks ass but at least we are in it together.